Writings

「じゃあ次はラブストーリーに取り組みましょう」

クリエイティブライティングの先生とは、関係を築いている最中だ。海賊の話を英語で書いたら、半分くらいは自分らしかったけれど、半分はぎこちなく、言葉を使いこなせない不満を感じた。先生が “Show, don’t tell”（「説明するのではなく、見せる」という、創作の基本のひとつ）の話をしてくれたときに、「それ、たぶん日本語だとめっちゃやってる気がする」と言ったところ、「え！既に書いてあるものないの？読ませて！そこから始めましょう」と言われた。そこで「ふたりでごはんを」の英語バージョン、”MEALS FOR TWO”を書くことになったのだ。

翻訳の初心者ではないし、オリジナルの作者なので、直訳はしない。でも説明しすぎはいやだ。日本語の空気感も残したい。そこで出した第1稿は、細かい英文法・単語のミスがいくつかと、「何を言ってるの？」「なぜ？」という大きめの指摘3つを受けて戻ってきた。”Show, don’t tell”には、「説明しない」も含まれる。だけど、説明しなさすぎるのはよろしくない。大きめの指摘は説明が足りないところだった。日本語の感覚だと、そこの加筆は説明しすぎのように思えた。でも加筆しないと伝わらないので加筆した。”Show, don’t tell”の感覚が少し違うのかもしれないなと、勉強になった。

第2稿の修正はなく、「”Show, don’t tell”のエキスパートね。彼が食べられない理由について何も言ってないのがいい」と言われた。たしかにそこも”Show, don’t tell”。私の文章をいくつか読んでくれた彼女は、私の文章の”subtlety”を褒めてくれた。繊細さ、とらえにくさ、緻密さ、ほのかな感じ、なんとも言い難い感じといった訳がつく単語。自分の日本語の文章に対してそう思っていたので、英語でも伝わるものなんだなと、ちょっとばかしニュアンスが変わったとて残るんだなと、彼女の話を静かに聴いていた。

「こんなラブストーリーを書けるなら、今度はこれをやりましょう」と言われて見せてもらったのが、New York Times（NYT）の人気コーナー “Tiny Love Stories”（ちっちゃなラブストーリー）だった。読者が書いた100語以内のラブストーリーがNYTに載る。あたりまえだけど、ラブストーリーといっても、”romantic”（恋愛に関する、性愛の）だけではない。サンプルで読んだ、”New Announcement, New Name, Still Ours”が印象的だった。

New Announcement, New Name, Still Ours
When you were born, we sent announcements — name, weight, date — engraved on thick white cards with pale pink stripes and polka dots. “It’s a girl,” we said. We were thrilled. Now, 16 years later, so much is new. The pink was wrong. The name was too. This time, we know. It’s a boy. There will be no pastel stationery. This time, we are telling everyone, face to face. He’s ours. — Maria Blackburn

（拙訳）
新しいおしらせ、新しい名前、変わらず私たちの子
あなたが生まれたとき、私たちは名前、体重、誕生日をカードに印刷して送った。薄いピンクのストライプと水玉模様のついた厚めの白いカード。私たちは「女の子です」と書いた。わくわくしていた。16年経った今、何もかもが新しい。ピンクにしたのは間違っていた。名前もそう。今回はわかってる。男の子よ。パステルカラーの便箋は使わない。今回はみんなに直接会って伝える。彼は私たちの子なのって。―マリア・ブラックバーン　

Tiny Love Storiesの創作教育用PDF:
https://int.nyt.com/data/documenttools/teaching-with-tiny-love-stories-pdf/753c41721cde1b10/full.pdf
Tiny Love Storiesの詳細や書き方など：
https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/08/learning/writing-narratives-with-tiny-love-stories.html

ペットへの愛情も、物事への愛着も、たまに見かけるけど名前は知らない人へのささやかな心配りも、全部ラブストーリーになる。世界の広さに、私は頭がぱっかーんと開いた気持ちになった。これに取り組むの、とても楽しそう！

先生は「紺が長いラブストーリーを書けるのはわかったわ。今度は短いやつね。Less is more（少なければ少ないほど効果は増すという定型句）」と言った。

いつか購読したいと思っていたNew York Times。大学の電子ジャーナルで全部読めると知ったときのうれしさったら。検索したら、読み切れないほどの、たくさんのラブストーリーが出てきた。授業と個別指導とこの購読許可で、大学に支払った研修料のもとが十分に取れてしまうよ。

今日このエッセイを書く前に、ひとつ、ちっちゃなラブストーリーを書いてみた。必要最低限の表現にしたのに、180語になってしまった。全部必要だと思っていたところから削る。かつおぶしみたいにうすく、うすく、少しずつ削る。私はいつも、観察者のような立場と距離感で、静かな文章を書いてしまう。よいところでもあり、悪いところでもあり。でも嫌いじゃない。冒険や実験はしてみたいが。まあ1作目だしと思い、いつものように落ち着けることにした。ちょうど100語。ロマンティックラブストーリーではないラブストーリーが書けた。

来週までに、あと2～4作書く予定。100語が表現できるのはほんの少しのこと。ほんの少しのきらめきが、日常にあふれていて、何を切り取ろうか迷う。

＊「ふたりでごはんを」というエッセイの英語版です

His body was thin, it looked as if it would break at any moment. His back seemed so fragile, as if a spring breeze could carry it away. His suit looked about to slip off his shoulders, and the hand holding his bag looked as though it might come off. His glasses caught the sunlight. That was my very first impression of him. He was a man four years older than me, and would later become my husband.

During the new employee training program, I did an activity called “talk with every colleague who joined the company at the same time as me.” Among us, six were Jimu-kei and sixty were Gijutsu-kei. The Jimu-kei, like me, typically had bachelor’s degrees in humanities or social sciences and were going to be assigned to product planning, sales, or administrative posts. The Gijutsu-kei, on the other hand, mostly held master’s degrees in engineering fields directly linked to their technical posts. In a manufacturing company, working with engineers was unavoidable. I clutched a booklet compiling everyone’s self-introductions and went around speaking to each person. His favorite book was same as mine—Sophie’s World. Perhaps as a courtesy in return for my positive approach, he gave me a peculiar compliment: “Your physical posture during training is excellent.”

The Jimu-kei members were assigned to departments earlier than the Gijutsu-kei members. I joined the Human Resources Development section in the Personnel Department. Following a senior colleague, I began observing technical training sessions. One of the newly hired female engineers, whom I already got to know, told me that the glasses-wearing man wrote beautiful code. From her comment, it sounded like he was intelligent, and probably competent. But without much weight. He was present there, but seemed absent.

In early summer, on the last day of training, senior staff members came from several departments to the training center to pick up their groups of new employees. But his department was different. Located far from the main factory area, they had not received a new employee in years, so there was no one to come for him. That’s why it became my task to escort him there. We walked the twenty-minute path slowly. He was stiff with tension, and I wanted to put him at ease, so I showed him the wallpaper on my cell phone: Rilakkuma lounging leisurely.¹

We began spending time together. We went to secondhand bookstores. He taught me how to use a film camera at a park. We soon started dating. He struggled to write love letters. Typing and deleting again and again, his battery draining rapidly. At last he completed a carefully chosen short message, pressed a “send” button, and exhaled. My reply arrived instantly. He said, “I’m in trouble. Because of you, I end each day only thinking of you.”

He could not eat in front of others. He skipped lunch at the office. On dates, he made me eat heartily and watched me with a gentle smile. He could at least drink tea and alcohol. He said that during the first three years of university, he never ate lunch at all. In the next three years, once he joined a research lab, in the daytime, he survived on two boxes of Choco-Ball peanut flavor every day.² If someone forgot their lunch, he would give them a box. He even gave away the collectible golden and silver beaks³ to his lab colleagues without hesitation.

It wasn’t just about meals—he seemed a little tense around everyone, not just me. A lack of body weight, as though he might vanish by himself. As a new HR worker, I worried that he might snap somewhere in his career. However, he was another person. I had no right to force him to change his way of eating, to gain weight, or to break the psychological wall with others. That change, if it were to happen, had to come from him.

The first time I cooked at his room, he ate a little. Gazing at the chicken rice which was my local cuisine, he said, “It’s delicious,” lifted his face, and smiled shyly. I realized he wanted to be able to eat. So I decided to do what I could. We chose private rooms when dining out. We created a few familiar restaurants. I divided dishes into small portions and asked, “Do you want to nibble?” If he ate, I did not rejoice too much. If he did not, I did not feel disappointed. I stayed calm. I ate my own meal without worrying.

He must have gathered great courage and effort. Little by little, the kinds and amounts of food we could share increased. During that time, I kept records of his eating: eggs must be thoroughly cooked; milk and cream were bad; cheese was fine; he liked noodles and lean meat; solid textures were easier to eat; fish required careful attention to avoid smell; alcohol increased his appetite. While he changed, I tried to remain a person who watched over him quietly and fondly. When he began finishing my small servings of meals, I wished that someday, as he had grown used to me, he would come to feel “safe” even around others. So I encouraged him with many kinds of food.

He began with “eating a bear”. Rilakkuma, the master of relaxation. At Lawson⁴ convenience stores, there was a campaign where you could collect stickers to receive a special Rilakkuma plate. I asked him casually, “If you shop at Lawson and get a sticker, could you give it to me?” But he took it as an important mission for his girlfriend. He visited Lawson constantly, buying the most cost-efficient sandwiches, and started eating them at the office. His boss, who had noticed he never ate lunch, helped with the sticker collecting with pleasure. At some point, my boyfriend became more of a Rilakkuma fan than I was. One day he returned from Tokyu Hands⁵ with a stuffed toy of Rilakkuma and declared, “This is mine.”

For his birthday in November, I gave him a whole cake with a message plate and candles. He ate it while tears streamed silently down his face. Later he said, “Let’s go to a restaurant on Christmas Eve.” By then, he was able to eat out only with me. I said, “I like Italian.” He proudly emailed me, “Reserved!” But on December 24th, he triumphantly led me to a girls’ bar⁶. It served Italian food. Because he had been feeling uneasy in dining with others, it was no wonder he was so unfamiliar with Hot Pepper⁷, a booking website that he couldn’t use well. He must have been so nervous about booking his first luxurious restaurant date with me that he simply clicked “Reserve” on the stylish but vacant Italian place he saw, completely missing the detail that it was a girls’ bar. I quickly found another restaurant and we went in.

His Christmas gift to me was a teacup and a saucer. When you poured tea into the teacup, a heart appeared. He also gave me a plain brown office envelope. Its corner was bent, and the flap was not sealed. Inside was a letter written with a fountain pen: “It might still be empty. But even drop by drop, I want to fill it for you from now on.” His straightforwardness saw through the sense of emptiness I kept hidden. And clumsily yet earnestly, he gave me what he could. I thought to myself, “I want to be a well-matched girlfriend to him. Can I do it?” A part of me thanked him. But another, more childish part of me, was still sulking about the girls’ bar incident. Seeing this plain office envelope, that childish part won. Pretending not to feel introspective, I grumbled “At least you should have bought a proper letter set.”

Though I stayed pouty until the end of the year, once January came, I was busy laughing at the memory. Perhaps it would have been fine to spend Christmas Eve at the girls’ bar. Between us, an atmosphere grew that allowed us to find amusement in whatever happened.

I think “kawaii-ness⁸” includes softness, humor, playfulness, and the ability to open one’s heart to others. I wanted to know more about the glimpses of charming kawaii-ness he occasionally showed. At that time, he only knew barbers where all customers got the same masculine hairstyle. I introduced him to my favorite beauty salon, so he could taste a professional’s touch. As soon as he sat down on a seat, he said, “I was told to say, ‘Please make me kawaii.’” The stylist was stunned and soon understood who was behind him. The resulting wavy, mash-short cut⁹ suited him perfectly, bringing out his inner kawaii-ness. Pleased by my wide-eyed praise, he got a taste of success and began visiting the salon regularly to explore his charm together with the stylist.

When we got engaged, I presented a voucher for a custom-made suit to him. Kawaii-ness needed handsomeness for balance. He usually tended to say “I don’t care what I wear.” Just as he had discovered with his hair, I wanted him to taste what it feels like to wear something truly made for him. A suit tailored to his body looked apparently different. He looked quite satisfied because in his heart he really longed to be an English gentleman. Through professionals, both his kawaii-ness and handsomeness were polished. He learned how to embrace himself by self-care.

He even “ate” LINE stickers¹⁰. He was originally a flip-phone user, but he liked LINE stickers so much that he bought a smartphone. Before long, he began behaving like the stickers themselves—saying things like “Grrr…” “Bowing” “Shock!” “Ta-da!” as if in a manga. Gazing at me with teary eyes, peeking out from behind doors. He delighted in witty responses and inventing stamp combinations. One day he laughed, “Today I almost said ‘Shoboon’¹¹ to my boss.” The emotions he expressed through stickers became nourishment for his humor.

After our marriage, we DIY-ed an outdoor wedding on a farm. “Our first joint project should be preparing our wedding, not cutting the cake.” From the concept to bus arrangements, we built it together as if managing a work project. My tasks: direction, searching business partners, website design, pamphlet design, material procurement, and making decorations. His: website coding, calculations, fabric cutting, printing, transport. We hired specialists for the attire, food, venue design, music, and photography. We did not adopt the usual first bite¹²—where the groom feeds the bride to symbolize he will never make her hungry, and the bride feeds the groom to symbolize she will cook delicious meals. Most couples use big spoons. We redefined it as “earn money together, cook together.” Instead of cake, we prepared a one-meter pan of paella made with the rice we ate daily. Under the full moon, we each fed the other a spoonful with small wooden spoons.

Our life changed quietly and gently. Recently, we had a pizza party. When I called “It’s ready!” he bounded into the living room. Straight for the Margherita. His pace of eating pizza outstripped his drinking speed. After finishing his portion, he stared longingly at mine. He said persuasively, “I love a pizza. It’s delicious, right? We should eat more pizza.” I put my last piece on his plate. It disappeared quickly. We ended up baking a second one: mayonnaise, whitebait, and aonori seaweed. It also disappeared quickly. Afterward, he sprawled on the bed, tipsy and happy. When I sat beside him, he immediately wrapped his arms around my waist and fell asleep. I couldn’t move.

We love to develop our family lexicon. The original words and phrases are not official in Japanese dictionary. One of them is “kotene.” It means falling asleep before a bath when several conditions happen together—being mentally satisfied by success or fun, pleasantly tired, having eaten delicious food, and having drunk a certain amount of alcohol. Until the very end, he insists, “I’ll take a bath”, “I’m just lying down”, “I’m not asleep,” and then finally tells me a lie. His soft and warm presence makes me forgive it, as long as it’s occasional. Sometimes he half-wakes, jokes “supi—”¹³, and dozes again. Precious.

Compared with when we first met, he has gained weight. He is now at a healthy standard. Handsomeness, intelligence, sincerity. Kawaii-ness, softness, humor. Technical skills, professional achievements, confidence. All in good balance. He eats the bento lunch I make. Even if I cut corners and repeat the same menu, he cheers as if it were a series, saying, “Spaghetti Bolognese Chapter Three!” On nights when he goes to drinking parties, I no longer prepare late-night food in case he could eat nothing. When he returns, he tells me about the dishes he ate and the lively conversations. When business partners visit at the company, he chooses restaurants for lunch and even offers souvenirs. He enjoys work while cooperating with others.

Back then, my wish for him was simple: that he would gradually find people in his life who made him feel it was okay to be himself. Since I had never been able to picture myself living long, I never imagined I would become one of them. However, before I knew it, by his side, I also had become someone different. Each time his appetite grew, it was as if he quietly shared nourishment with me.

An empty teacup is filled with tea. Steam rises. We sip slowly. Some days we spill. Sometimes it overflows. Once emptied, it is filled again. I want us to keep changing together, to keep being together.

Twelve years of marriage. May our days of saying “Itadakimasu” and “Gochisosama”¹⁴ together last as long as possible.

Notes:

1 Rilakkuma (リラックマ) : A Japanese character meaning “Relaxed Bear,” extremely popular in merchandise and mascots.

2. Choco-Ball (チョコボール) : A long-selling Japanese candy. Bite-sized chocolate-coated peanuts or caramel.

3. Golden and silver beaks (金のくちばし／銀のくちばし) : Special prize tokens attached to Choco-Ball boxes; collecting them can be exchanged for toys.

4. Lawson (ローソン) : A major Japanese convenience store chain.

5. Tokyu Hands (東急ハンズ) : A large Japanese variety store selling lifestyle goods, crafts, and hobbies.

6. Girls’ bar (ガールズバー) : A Japanese nightlife establishment where female staff serve drinks and chat with customers, but it is not a hostess club.

7. Hot Pepper (ホットペッパー) : A Japanese coupon and restaurant reservation magazine/website.

8 Kawaii（かわいい）：A Japanese word for a quality that inspires affection. While similar to “cute,” kawaii is not limited to the small or childlike. It can describe the endearing inner self that shines through, even in a mature adult. It can also describe the gentle side of a person who is otherwise intellectually or emotionally strong, creating a charming and deeply human contrast.

9. Mash-short (マッシュショート) : A haircut style similar to a mushroom cut, but styled loosely.

10. LINE stickers (LINEスタンプ) : Emoticon-like images used in the messaging app LINE; highly popular, often character-based.

11. “Shoboon” (しょぼーん) : Japanese onomatopoeia for feeling down or crestfallen.

12. First bite (ファーストバイト) : A Japanese wedding custom where bride and groom feed each other cake as a symbolic gesture.

13 “supi—”（すぴー）：Japanese onomatopoeia of sleeping breath.

14 “Itadakimasu”（いただきます）and “Gochisosama”（ごちそうさま）：Japanese phrases said before/after meals, expressing gratitude for food.

自己紹介ばかりしている。

何か新しいものを手に入れるには、古いものを捨てて、新しいものが入る場所を作らなければならない。そう実感した夏だった。7月28日、会うたびに私に大きな主語の不平不満を言い、メールでもすぐに話題を自身のものに変えてしまう人との関係を切った。私がゴミ箱として扱われているようで、ずっと苦しかった。それを打ち明けて、謝ってくれたこともあったけれども、人は基本的に変わらない。繰り返す。「苦しみながら、泣く泣く逃げる」ことは何度もあったけど、平常心で「自分を大切にするために、嫌な人間関係を切る」のは初めてだったから、決めるまでにうだうだした。とはいえ特別にやることはない。相手のメールアドレスを迷惑メール扱いにするボタンを押すだけ。頭痛がした。つながっていたようでいて、もとからつながっていなかったのかもしれない。

7月最後の日、編み物教室に行って、先生のババアと話す。高齢の女性をババアと呼ぶのは、私の執筆ポリシーには反するし、基本的にはいつも「先生」「おばあさん」と呼んでいるけれども、本人は自分を「ババア」と呼んでおり、高齢の生徒や近所の人々のことも「ババア」と呼ぶくらい口汚いので、今日だけは「ババア」を使ってみる。ババアは口汚いがまっすぐな人で、曲がったことを嫌い、他人に迷惑をかける人を教室やイベントからすみやかに出禁にする。話しているとすかっとして気持ちいい。愚痴ばかりの人を切ったと話したら、「ああ！それはいい！」と笑った。照明のオレンジ色の光が、上がった頬のチークを照らす。「これからいいことが起こるよ。きっと起こる」

私は6月に大学院進学を断念してほうけていた。落ち込みと前に進みたい気持ちが、猫が遊んだ毛糸玉のようにぐちゃぐちゃに絡まっていた。それが突然ほどけた。8月1日の土曜日から急にいそがしくなった。私立だからと全然視野に入れてなかった大学の研修生制度を偶然知る。学部を既卒であれば、指導教官の承認がもらえれば、文学研究の指導を受けられる。いや、それでもさ、指導教官にいい人がいないんでしょう、と期待せずに調べると、たいへんおもしろい先生がいた。将来英文学を学ぶ場は消滅するので、今のうちに学んだほうがいいと、大学のオフィシャルページで話している。直球だ。ユーモラスな感じとともに、かなり頭が切れそうな印象を受けた。大学の先生のイメージがいい意味で壊れ、直感的にこの先生に学びたいと思った。ただ日程が問題だった。週が明けて3日後には大学がお盆休みに入り、それが明ければ出願期間だ。出願期間までに、教務課から出願書類をもらい、先生にアポを取り、面談し、承認の可否を受けなければならない。ババアは幸運をもたらすのだろうか、教務の人はすぐに資料を送ってくれた。私が連絡した日、先生はイギリスにいた。週明けに2週間くらい日本に滞在したあと、9月中旬まで別の国にいるとのことで、お盆に面談を設定してくれた。メールで、面談で、英語を使ってたくさんやりとりした。「私はあなたを受け入れます」と言って、書類にサインを書いてくれた。

1週間後、彼から「紺、9月末のこの読書会に一緒に行きましょう」と連絡が来る。私はまだ出願すらしていなかったので驚いた。もう私を研修生扱いしてくれている。私はこの先生に会いにいくのだけでも勇気が必要だったので、すぐに別の先生方のところに行く余裕がないと返した。それからしばらく個人的な話を交換したけれど、私は「まだ出願してないんだが……」と思っていた。

出願したあとは、クリエイティブライティングの先生を探した。オンラインと通学型の外国語学校、どちらも調べた。自己紹介と求めているものを伝える。これはいつまで続くのかしらん、と思うまでもなく、早々にいい人が見つかった。大学院進学を考えるにあたって、何が大切で、何をやりたくて、何が嫌で、というのに散々向き合ったおかげなのか、ババアのおかげなのか、英文学の先生に出会ったときのように、「この人だ」と感じた。会うと、緊張よりもほっとする。授業の進め方についてはだいぶ長くやりとりする必要があった。おたがいに混乱して、連絡が止まった日もあった。ある日、夜中の3時に起きて、彼女がオンラインなのを確認して、思い切って口火を切った。いつもはタイムラグのあるチャットが、すばやく動く。些細なすれ違いゆえの混乱がほどけて、安心した。

大学の先生との面談で、精読の授業に物足りなさを感じたので、補ってくれるような場所を探した。ババアのおかげなのか、存在していることが信じられない、すばらしいオンラインのゼミを見つけた。

3つの基軸に、自分で作ってきたリーディングリストと、語学と心身の体力づくりを組み合わせると、理想の学習環境ができた。これからどういうところを目指して、何を学んでいきたいか、あらためて文章にしたくなった。私はあまり自己開示をしてこなかったので、どんな人だろうと思われているかもなとは思っていた。そこにさらに独自カリキュラムで学んでいきますと言うのは、不思議さを深める。「ふたりでごはんを」の文章を好きと言われることがあるけれど、今の自分からすると綺麗にまとまりすぎている気がして、もっと自分の心をえぐるようなものを書きたいとも思っていた。書き始めると速かった。

合格通知をもらって、入学した。イギリスの詩を学んでいる。授業ではグループワークが多い。毎週、グループメンバーは変わる。すでに人間関係ができている人たちの中に入るので、毎度自己紹介から始める。正規の学生と先生のあいだくらいの年齢で、ふるまいに迷うこともあったけれど、あまり考えすぎず、めいいっぱい学ぶことだけに集中している。ずっと寝ている人の横に座ることも、私が教えたことに対してキラキラの目で「ありがとうございます！」と言われることも、グループメンバーAさんが「私、勉強しない人嫌いなんで」と言って、予習してきていないメンバーBさんと授業中一切話をしない姿にひやひやすることも、今の私の日常だ。

ババアに報告に行ったら、「今日は顔色が違うね」と言われた。「先生のおかげです」と言ったら、「違う、その糸を選んで編んだのはあなた」と返ってきた。その日のババアの言葉遣いは綺麗だった。

挨拶と自己紹介の先では、何が起こるかわからない。いいことが起こるかもしれないし、そうじゃないかもしれない。でも私はしばらく、自分から先に働きかけてみようと思っている。新しい人に出会うことも、新しい詩に出会うことも、できるだけ自分から。